We all carry a book in our hearts..

I came across this saying in a book I was recently reading and it has stuck with me.

“We all carry a book within our hearts. Our dispositions. Our ambitions. Our secrets. It takes great trust to let another person read that book.”

Sharing my journey with infertility has been less about trust in the sharing and more of a release of the entire process. A steam vent if you will. I feel like I can say anything and not burden friends and family, face judgment or ridicule and truly say what I am thinking (with only a little censoring or this blog may be rated r with language).  I’ve had too many “you must be fucking kidding me” moments with Dr’s, nurses and lab techs.

I’d like to laugh about it but it’s been more scary than funny. I never know so many things can go wrong with eggs, sperm and the entire process. It’s amazing any of us are here.

Common threads and more pseudo-feel good books

Today is the day that I am finally going to sit across from Dr. B and hear his opinion on my failed IVF cycle #1. I figured after spending some cash, time, physical effort and more than a little discomfort and pain that I would/could/should/maybe follow up face to face even though this is going to cost me additional $$ just to hear his O’mighty opinion. Somehow this makes me a little anxious…which I think is because I’m already on the abandon ship path.

BUT it is day 3 of my detox and I think the eliminating caffeine fog is starting to clear from my head as I seem to be able to think and recall things with less effort.  I picked up two books from the Library, “Unspeakable Losses” and “Daring Greatly”. The only clue that I have that my positive outlook may be taking a hold is I cannot read the losses book. It is just not relating with how I am feeling. It’s hard to read a book that you just cant click with. As my huzzband said – “You’re still sad but you’re not that sad…” and it’s true for me today. I am NOT that sad and nor do I want to go down into that sadder than sad space by reading about everyone else’s saddest experiences. Some how reading the dailies here feels more like sharing path’s with people that while I may never get to meet we all have a thread that brought us here… common threads, common grounds of life.

Conversely I am only 40 pages into “Daring Greatly” and am really enjoying it. Of course there’s the “wholehearted” life/man/woman terms that the author throws around. Like I’d ever use that in a sentence or to describe someone I met – “By Jove my good friend I am now living a WHOLEHEARTED life after reading a book….” “Isnt Shelia so wholehearted after failing that last round of IVF…” but there’s always something that you take away and something that you leave behind when you read these types of books.

This book is all about embracing vulnerability, believing in love and having the courage and daring to live a full life. I’m still focusing on the positive and the power of the placebo!